Today I went to a barbecue hosted by a guy I knew growing up. He was the man. He’s turning 28 now. So are most of the girls. I’d all but lost contact with that group, or anyone else I knew as a teenager. It was pleasant to see them though. I think I got invited because I manage a meetup now and I reached out to his girlfriend for a review. I didn’t stay long.

I’ve always sort of identified with the narrative of the guy who took the right path. Got off cigarettes, drugs and alcohol. Got into self development and then unfriended just about everyone I was ever close with because they were “toxic”. There’s an assumption that it ultimately works out to be better that way. Maybe it’s the way my mind thinks long-term that led me to take this path.

It seems that lately I’ve come full circle. I took the path of self development through loneliness. Unintegrated seems like an apt adjective for it. I’ve founded a few ventures which have been like my anchors to society. This week I started FLAGS tribe. It feels like my life’s true purpose.

Something about finding my life’s true purpose made me feel like it was safe to open the door to all the people I disconnected from over the years. So I sent friend requests to about 10 people: my best friends over the years, most of which were from a substance-abusing phase. I’ve not really had close friendships like that since.

There’s so many things to say. I’ll just say how it feels though. It feels dirty. I feel like other people are dirty. I feel less like being a pickup artist (but that might be resistance) and yet it seems more obvious than ever why I need to be a pickup artist, in order to avoid the lifelong identity of beta male. I felt like a beta male at the barbecue before despite being the most successful there and being a leader. I felt like I was the provider. That whole thing is so gross to me.

I feel like turning the music up because I can’t stand the feeling of hearing my mother in the next room. That’s new. I just got things feeling clean with her. I just got things feeling good in general. So why did I go and do something to make everything feel bad again?

What I feel is that I have stuff to deal with. I’ve had to deal with it for years, but in order to do so I had to feel confident in my future. I’m dealing with it now. I feel irrational, the smell wafting up from downstairs is getting on my nerves. I feel contemptful. I feel grateful that mum left the house. Just sitting here at my desk watching family guy I feel almost pained. I feel particularly annoyed with signs of lack of respect or attraction from women. Of being an unworthy male despite all that I do.

The way I think about it though is as follows. There’s a whole world out there to explore. It’s appealing to do that when you don’t like what you came up from. It’s stronger to do that from a place of deep acceptance though. To feel the presence of others from your weaker past and be on your purpose as well which develops something better. Ultimately their presence should be untriggering. It might be harder for them than you if you’re successful.

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