Cold Feet Whilst Succeeding

A curious thing has happened. The tests, tournaments and appointments I’ve been preparing for and written on my wall, are coming and going. Discover Melbourne is blossoming. Clarity and competence are coming to me regarding that. Emotional, social intelligence.

This past week I realised that I could monetise this group. I decided not to. Or if I do make it some small token sum. I just like that picture better. I love the notion of having this vast techno-social organisation that I brought into this world working to achieve benefit for people. I believe it’s creating true value. That is to say I believe in it. I believe it’s creating a great deal of good karma.

Do I need to say what the benefits are? The beauty of it is that there’s something on every Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Reliably. At cool places. Good events. So it gives people belongingness, for free. I try to make it as authentic as possible.

People are starting to catch on to it. My life is starting to change. I was always unhappy that few people liked my stuff on Facebook. I never had friends after high school. Now I have too much to do and I can feel goodwill coming back to me in the form of likes. Got about 15 for a post today which is high for me. Is it unhealthy that I care about likes? I’m simultaneously conditioned to feel this way and feel that I oughtn’t. It shows me that I’m on the right track. I even got laid this past weekend.

Here’s the conflict though. I feel like I don’t like it now. I feel that the idea is dumb and I’ve made a public fool of myself. I feel that preprogramming events is weird. I feel that it’s creepy to have a group with 70% younger females and I should start trying to get more men in. I feel like it’s lame to want to bring people together as I do. Even with the variety I’ve worked into the system it still doesn’t feel like enough for me.

The curious thing is that now is when I’m getting the most positive feedback. Why is it now when I’m getting all this positive affirmation that I feel the need to overhaul the whole thing. That’s a bit what it’s like when you get to the centre of something that comes to life. And you make your mark on it. You get sick of it and yourself. At the same time though if you were someone that could tolerate being in someone else’s organisational culture then you probably would be there.

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