Thinking About Forever

It’s been a busy week. I have skipped over two different days, pulling all-nighters. The first one frustratingly didn’t work but I’m coming off the second one now. It’s 8am and I’ve been awake for a few hours, on a Monday morning. I call that a victory. I’ve gotten out of the habit of meditating and writing. It’s been almost a week I think. I feel annoyed because my mother has gotten sick and coming up is a series of important events for me such as exams, a BJJ tournament and a license test.

I published the URL of this blog on my meetup introduction. There’s over 600 people in the meetup now. So they could all find out about it and come and read what I have written. That makes me feel like I have to watch my words. I’m in trouble with the police as well. I have a court date coming up. So I can’t talk about that either or because they might use what I say as evidence. So overall I feel like I can’t share my thoughts and feelings like I could before.

The meetup scene seems so competitive. People have several different options for places to go. It seems like it doesn’t take much for something to stop being cool. What I mean is: if I said something risque on this blog and then some girl read it and then told a few girls, pretty soon I would have a reputation. Wouldn’t I? I don’t like this feeling that I can’t share my thoughts though. What do I have to hide? That I want to pickup girls? That I am pretty much elbowing my way into this scene intentionally and with plenty aforethought?

For the years I have considered myself “a natural writer”. Only recently I have started a business where one of the services I offer is writing. So I suppose you could now consider me a professional writer among other things. This blog is one of the things I can point to, in order to show clients that I am what I say. The writing on this blog is fairly rough and raw, unedited. I feel like it’s enough to prove that I have the drive for writing. That’s something I’ve learned in recent years. People don’t just care about the finished product, they want to see that you’re doing something that you’re suited to. Perhaps they don’t want it to feel too forced.

A rather big development has been that people have joined the leadership team of my meetup. I’ve even removed a few people There’s currently three people. Myself, a woman and another dude. At first I felt a bit funny about it. Didn’t know how to act. I haven’t even spoken to the woman in person yet but she’s doing a lot of good things. Showing up to host. Taking pictures and uploading them. Organising events. I’m close to promoting her a level up. My current philosophy is that I don’t mind having co-organisers, as long as it’s clear that I’m the leader. I want people to invest in it before they reach that level though. I like that because people don’t value something that comes to easily. Although I sense that some people don’t like being an organiser three or four levels below me.

Part of it is about competence as well though. There’s levels to this. The highest level involves strategic thinking, I think. Really it transcends any one platform and becomes about managing multiple platforms and thinking about what platforms might come next. Such as air bnb. It involves thinking about other groups and how you fit into the market. It involves perception management. Maybe that this is how I think about it is what I want to hide.

Lately I’ve been thinking about the choice to grow up and not have a family. I think because I have met someone else like this it’s making me see what it would be like if I did it. If you do it I think it’s possible to achieve most of the things that you set out to. You can become the person you want to be. You can keep the door open to meeting someone amazing. You can keep your distance from people in general and maintain your independence. There is an emptiness to it, at least when you look at other people on this path.

I recently discovered that American defence secretary James Mattis never got married and had kids. I was surprised by that. He must be married to his work. He’s so old. Isn’t that a lonely picture? On the other hand he would be surrounded by people all the time. He would be revered. He has a compelling story and is doing something great. He’s worth $5 million. Did he deliberately choose those perks? I can see myself choosing those.

I seem to be gravitating towards a path where I can sleep with hot girls and maybe even have multiple relationships. But also get rich, travel and look like a boss. Be notorious and have reach. In a sense, having women look at you as if they would love to have a family with you is good enough.

My life is a bit like slowly actualising a mental image. People didn’t used to take me seriously. Or they wouldn’t be jealous of me. I felt entitled to respect because I had such a sense of where I was going that it was practically inevitable. It was my destiny. I hope I don’t die, get in a horrific accident or go to prison. It seemed like whenever I came up with something other guys could just copy me. Now though I feel like I can do something and others don’t follow or can’t follow for some reason. So I can be different and do what I want. Really it just feels like my body is a little bit closer to my destiny. I’ve always known what I would do but now older men seem envious of me or disappointed. I guess it seems real to other people now but before it only seemed real to me. I’m less frustrated too, that might be the sweetest plum.

I’m aware that the quality of my writing is a bit like just wanting to be a baller. Is there something wrong with this? I don’t know. I think we’re conditioned to believe so. The two alternative ways I can think of are thinking of things that you like and thinking about giving. Why does that seem exhausting to me though? It’s like you have to change gears to think that way. That’s why I don’t keep doing it for long. Well, I suppose if you can be successful in a marketplace then that is a way of giving. It’s also the main way of getting money. So is succeeding in business and dating a way of giving which is sustainable? Is following your heart a way of meeting people like you and genuinely liking them? I think so.

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