I moved back in with my mother and brother a few days ago. My main concern was and is that it’s a low vibration energy environment. It’s an environment where it’s considered unacceptable to even approach a woman. It may be the most triggering environment for me on the face of the Earth.
I’m weary of complaining or speaking ill of my family. However I’m also weary of losing my literary voice entirely, since this subject is what is most salient for me right now. And also making things public seems to me to be a way of getting to grips with them.
The first days were the hardest. It felt so much like energy wars. Yet she doesn’t want me speaking about energy at all. She thinks it’s crazy talk. I doubt my brother has any interest in it. It felt like in the first few days there were some really invasive things happening, which had the effect of making me feel this unpleasant presence stagnated in my soul. I’m convinced it’s low vibration energy. I had to assert boundaries not to be woken up in that manner or disturbed when meditating, as this is what I need to clear my head. Being able to have a clear head is just about paramount for me.
In order to “crush” the inhibition to approach women I was conditioned with growing up, I have been sure to talk with people whenever I’ve left the house. Returning to the way it was would have been intolerable.
After a few days I became quite happy. Things were going quite well for me and there wasn’t anything grieving me at home. I felt clear-headed, as I always want to. Then I noticed something else make low vibration energy wash over me. Make me grieved again. It was much more subtle this time. I experienced it kind of like my good vibes were snubbed. And then I felt the body image frame that plagued me growing up. Then kind of just being annoying. It all happened so fast and seemed unconscious. It made me this horrible feeling wash over me, for about 20 hours.
My strategy for overcoming this conditioning has always been to take right action. I did that to try and get rid of this heavy, stagnant feeling. I also found opening the window while I was studying helped.
Right after I had finally regained that clear-headed feeling I heard a knock on my door. I had been avoiding mum because I had identified her as the source of this feeling. It was just a friendly check in. Then she did the thing I have asked her a million times not to do and called me “mate”. I have mommy issues. I was already feeling annoyed with this dynamic and this baited me into reacting. We then proceeded to argue for 10 minutes. She threatened numerous times to kick me out and wouldn’t accept me saying anything about energy even though that’s what seems to be going on.
She seemed kind of threatened. Well, my intent has been to not let that low vibration state become me. So it’s a bit like oil and water. I’m a bit distrustful because last time I let my guard down and expressed positivity, that was my downfall.
Here I am again going for a walk trying to clear my head again. Trying to get rid of that heavy, stagnant feeling. I’m partially succeeding. I feel like there’s definite tension between us. Perhaps enough that she would kick me out.
Her point of view is pretty simple. She supposedly just wants me to talk and respect her. On the other hand I do that but I get so disturbed by her vibe that it makes me depressed. And she’s in complete denial of anything intuition related.
Essentially, this is energy wars. I’m just trying to go about my purpose and have a clear head. I’ve done nothing wrong and it’s normal for an INTJ to need solitude. Women are a the irrational gender yes, but there’s something else going on here. My meditation, healing, working out and approaching is causing me to be high vibration in a low vibration environment. It acts as a circuit-breaker, so when it expects me to be on its level, the next day it seems like we never exchanged at all.
If I continue this process of taking right action then theoretically we’d reach a homeostasis where meditation seemed normal. That’s assuming I don’t get kicked out for being “disrespectful”. I hope my mother is capable of achieving a high vibration state and releasing whatever complexes are causing this. This is her best shot of making the changes I’ve implored her to make over the years. Although it seems pretty painful.
For me, this is the perfect opportunity to sort out my mommy issues, that are presumably what cause me to be constantly triggered by women. As I release these complexes though, and experience relief when before there was expression triggered, the person who is used to people reacting a certain way finds it frustrating when a person no longer does. Hence why she now seems to hate me for no apparent reason.
From now on I should be able to resume my routine of going out to places, which should help. Going out and getting my state pumped is easy for me nowadays. Unfortunately it’s not so easy for post-menopausal women because they don’t get as much validation.