Where I’m At

This could easily be a journal entry but I want to this to be a bit like ‘putting it out there’. What I’m feeling is new territory for me and I’m sure some people out there would be interested in it if they could find the time.

Where to start. Well, I feel pretty shit. I bought a large block of cadbury chocolate 3 days ago and I’ve been eating it every night since. I just finished it. I’m 100% sure that it makes me feel worse. Generally eating junk foods isn’t a problem for me, so why did I do it now even though it makes me feel bad?

I’m at a place where I think a lot of guys are getting envious of me. I’m ruffling feathers. I’ve been talking louder. Dressing with more style. I’ve been thinking a lot about being alpha. From my perspective though I’m not quite there yet. I haven’t gotten laid in months despite frequently going out and using tinder.

I’m about to move back in with my mother. Right now I’m in my studio in the city. I moved here because it seemed like whenever I would approach women it seems like they would ask me if I lived in the city as if that was a precondition to getting any further with them. So I moved closer to the city because it’s closer to where all the bars are. I’ve been here for 6-months and haven’t pulled a single girl here. I basically hate the only girl that I have any ongoing contact with at the moment because she’s so frigid she won’t even come over to visit after numerous meetings. I have basically told her to fuck off because I don’t want a woman that doesn’t put out but she keeps coming to meetups, kissing me and telling me she wants to see me again.

The last 24 hours or so I’ve been in a foul mood because this asshole guy who scored with the girl I was flirting with all night when I fell asleep onetime (even though he was with a different girl that night) pulled a girl home from the language exchange right in my ear. It seems like this guy is just out to disrespect me, steal peoples’ girls etc and women seem to love it. He’s skinny but slightly taller than me and I have fantasized about bashing this guy’s brains in. I just managed to find peace with being punked out like that without any form of respect from him afterward, and then this Brazilian bitch just goes home with him happily. And I’m 5 years older than him and can’t even get some bitch to come over after 4 dates even though I’m exactly in the place that I thought I had to be for women to start dropping their panties.

I did everything: I grew my hair long. I moved to the city. I became the head of a social circle. I grew a beard. I got style. And now it feels like often when I approach a woman she feels not attracted to me or admiring of me, but threatened by me or something. She can’t relate to all this stuff I’ve got going on.

I do feel different in general. I feel less needy. Because I have built myself an automatic machine that gives me something to do Thursdays through Sundays, meet people and be the leader. Things that I enjoy too. In a way this has all been my attempt to meet Julien’s recommendation that you spend 30 minutes per day talking to women. How was I ever going to do that when bitches on the street act back away horrified if you just say hello. How was I ever going to do that when I could never find a decent wingman. So I created events in social venues that I can go to and practise my social skills.

As I was saying, I feel different. I feel less needy. I feel less reactive to bullshit. I feel sad that the bullshit hasn’t stopped though. I just wanted to women to act as if everything was ok. That I was ok. That I didn’t need to be stressed out about them. That I would no longer have to deal with all the negative feelings that seem part and parcel with women in society. I just wanted them to be happy and at ease and to care and to play. Instead, I’m looking at a reality where it’s hyper value-oriented and there’s so much scarcity. it’s always scarcity that’s being dangled in front of you.

Yesterday at BJJ a guy hyper-extended my arm. He was a little bit too overzealous in an armbar and didn’t stop for a second after I tapped. Now my arm hurts. I feel like that’s because I’ve been talking loudly. I’ve been talking loudly because I’m trying to be attractive enough that I can get laid for once.

I launched my first recurring event on Facebook today. A Chapel street pub crawl, recurring once a month. It didn’t have much of a response. It’s ok though I because I wasn’t expecting much. I think it will pick up a bit because it’s a good event.

A shill account from Newbies International (another meetup) left a nasty 1-star review calling me a creep who tried to get her to come to a bar. She meant the event invitation to the bar crawl. Then blocked me. Facebook won’t seem to let me respond to it. I told a guy I know who also runs a meetup and that account has been defaming. We’re on the same page. We confirmed that it was a shill. I think that it will get into the ether and ultimately not do Newbies any favours. I think that guy’s problem is that he’s too attached to paid meetup events as his career. And he’s getting on or drinks so much he seems 35. It’s not a pretty situation.

I’m not working at the moment. Instead I have decided to learn how to code. And get a few Salesforce certificates. The Java course I’m doing on Udemy is without doubt the biggest fish I have to fry. My goal is to finish it but I it’s 60 hours of content and I feel like my brain gets tired after 20 minutes of learning java. Here are my goals:

  • Platform developer 1 certificate
  • Marketing cloud email specialist certificate
  • Marketing cloud consultant certificate
  • Java script course
  • Java course
  • Digital marketing course
  • Finish reading Infinite Jest
  • Write a story
  • Complete DuoLingo Chinese course
  • Get motorcycle P’s
  • Sort out taxes
  • White Belt with 2 bars
  • Sales Cloud Consultant
  • Move in with Mum and Lachlan

I have these goals written down, posted right in front of me. It’s a bit overwhelming. As I said, particularly the Java course. The Java course is kind of the most important part though. Because if I do that then “I can code”. If I do that then I can do Apex. If I can do that then JavaScript (which is ultimately what I would probably use more) would be a picnic.

Will it be rewarding if I achieve all of this? Probably yes, for a while. Then there might be a marginal improvement.

I will certainly be a Salesforce expert and on track to achieve my long-term goals by then, so will it be rewarding if I get a job? I would probably feel better than I do now because I think men are happier with jobs.

My brother is depressed and my mother is something. They’re living together. I feel like that house that I’m about to move into is a cesspool of low-vibration energy. I feel like even talking to my mother again is partly why I feel so depressed. I never felt so depressed in the past months as I do now. Partly that’s my fault though. I have been staying up late, eating chocolate, watching animated porn.

All the big pieces are there safely. I have the meetup/facebook group which has found its rhythm. That’s like a supercharger for my life. It’s bringing so much positivity though that part of me is just acting like a degenerate. And that’s why I feel bad. My challenge is to bring it back to basics. Will I resume the Levels game?

I feel like the old wisdom is true. The best thing I have done for myself in the past few months is maintain a daily meditation habit. 

I have just realised that my anxiety has been virtually non-existent in the past few days. Why is it that I’m experiencing depression now, in the absence of anxiety? Is that how it works – does it have to be one or the other?


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