This will be the first post I’ve made since I changed the design of the blog. I have a bout 25 minutes until midnight, at which point I need to be in bed, so I’ll need to be brisk.

You may notice the menu headings of health, wealth and happiness. Why did I do that? Before that I had something like “health and wellness”, “self”, “success” and “writing”. It just made the whole blog seem bleak. In scarcity.

As soon as I wrote these headings I just knew it felt different. I don’t imagine it will change my voice a great deal, or perhaps it will. It will be a matter of putting things in one or more or less categories.

Now that it has a much cleaner more pleasing look and feel. And clear subject matter. And a prominent follow button. I do imagine that more people will subscribe.

What I’ve done is change the home page to a static page so it no longer is a feed of my latest blog posts. Curiously I’ve relegated that to a sub-menu item. This is a significant move. It shifts the centre of gravity of the whole site. Less so once I have more in the other menu sections.

I am not willing to give up this stream-of-consciousness writing entirely. However I do want to make it a bit more subtle. The reason I like it is because I feel that it gives me power. It makes me less afraid. I honestly believe that for its part it changes the world. Even if no one reads it. The important thing is that if I feel a certain way about society (in particular), I am willing and able to publicly write what I think about it.

One of the reasons I care so much about this is because when I was growing up society was in the thrall of feminists. You couldn’t really say what you think. You didn’t even know what you really thought because it was hidden behind layer upon layer of bullshit.

One of the happiest occurrences of my life has been the success of the movement that saw Donald Trump elected. That had trickle-down effects. Because of this movement there is a preponderance of men online actually saying what they think. Mocking communists, and feminists, and social justice warriors, the way it should be. It makes me realise that all this time I was not alone. I don’t want to go back to being repressed and marginalised.

And my personal tool for ensuring that I push back on the world is writing, unfiltered. I do believe that although this is my way, if I do it then it makes others more likely to do it too. And they often have a different way of expressing it than me. A more direct, social way. That way makes me a bit skittish but I feel like they get the confidence to do that because there are people out there writing.

I’ve begun yoga. I subscribed to Yoga with Adrienne; one of the most popular yoga channels on youtube. There are about 400 videos on her channel. Most are 10 minutes long or at most 30 minutes long. That’s alway been on my list of something great to do but another day. I think one of the best ways to improve one’s quality of life is to shift some of the things from the “some-day” list to the “today” list. For me that’s been happening lately, I don’t know why.

If I’m honest the big ones probably travel, write a novel, learn pick-up and try to make sales from my business.

Perhaps this can be a key focus of the higher levels of the levels game.

I woke up almost at noon today. And didn’t shower all day until after jiu jitsu. All I did the whole day before jiu-jitsu was basically rearrange my blogs though. I’m glad I did that though. This is why I have a harder deadline of being in bed by midnight tonight.

I’m not sure why exactly but for a while I thought I understood women. I felt very aware that they lived in the emotion of the moment and have a way of getting you to feel your emotions too. I feel like when I do that it takes the burn out of their behaviour. There’s little doubt in my mind that the way they behave is meant to make you feel bad, it’s almost like clockwork, but somehow if you have right mind about it then it just brings you back into this state. And then once you’re there they don’t piss you off as much and even seem attracted to you.

it may be because of was unshowered and slept in so badly, but since Monday night when I redid my blog; that has gone to shit. I don’t know how much it has to do with me my choices or broader societal forces but it’s almost vindictive the way they’ve been getting under my skin. When I try to check in to my emotions though what I feel is hated and I can’t really find that sweet spot I could before.

Since I kissed the girl in the pub the other day, a feat which I think I can repeat and even improve on, I’ve been feeling much better. Privately anyway. I’ve seen that it is possible for me to do that. In this part of the world. I’ve felt this great satisfaction, like a weight of my chest.

It’s no wonder that pickup artists emphasise “reference experiences”. It’s hard to deny them. Yet I have a feeling that I’m under pressure to deny it or something like that. On the one hand there’s the fact that a mind, once it’s expanded, can’t really shrink back. On the other though it’s like I’m supposed to not feel good about it anymore? Or not feel worthy anymore? Or that it’s possible in society to do that anymore?

One’s mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions.
– Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr. 

I suppose that if that’s how it is then it’s a good thing. It probably happens to everyone. It is unpleasant though. It’s kind of funny when women hate you this way but you don’t feel needy of them. It’s like this female energy pointed towards you but in a nasty way.

I’ve come up with a solution for the women at BJJ treating me badly. What I do, is each time we all line up to shake hands, I give one of them a little neg. Or something just a bit disrespectful or meant to undermine them. For example, I might casually call them “man” which seems to hit the mark. I gave one an athletic hip-slap today when she patted me on the arm. I think that one’s to be used sparingly. I wish I knew how to neg.

The thing about this is it flips the script. The way I was before is I would be in perpetual horror about which one would seem to friendzone me or somehow devalidate me. It seemed so random and that’s what made it unsettling. Now though the girls don’t know whether they’re going to get a push or a pull from me. I’m willing to forgo any chances of ever hooking up with them for this because it makes me feel much better to have a way to push back on them rather than be a victim as I was before.

Something I’ve learned about women is that they don’t respect you unless you have value. I want to be respected, if not an object of attraction because lack of respect and attraction feels threatening to me and my mind can’t concentrate on other things when there’s someone like that present. Something that has value for women though is a threat. I don’t mean like physically threaten them. Just a little threat to their value. Such as breaking rapport with them. I think this is why women seem to treat me better when I say anti-feminist comments on facebook.

I did a session with my spiral coach today. It was by far the best one. We got into my relationship with my mother. I won’t go into it here but I feel like I identified a deeply rooted feeling of neediness that I’ve never known about before. I was able to get some daylight around it today. What he said was “the best results are when you make the new pathways in the brain”, as he saw I was doing. For the first time realising this condition of my inner child. That single session has restored my confidence in the spiral. To be sure though I want to know the theory behind it, or is it just made up and gimmicky. Some people seem to swear by it.

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