I’m sitting in the communal area at my apartment block. It’s a nice seat with a view of the cityscape. If I actually pay attention to the ambient sound I can hear a continual din. The sound of a skyscraper under construction, the whirring of air conditioners, the hum of engines. An occasional bird chirping. It’s a grey day. It was too hot for my fleece Kathmandu top and yet it feels a bit cool for a t-shirt. It’s humid and yet there’s an occasional cool breeze.

Well, what happened yesterday? I had my first meetup at a nightclub. I originally planned it because two girls I know said they were going there. Then when I asked the group chat what time people were going they said they were going somewhere else. I felt pretty annoyed because that messed with the ratio quite a bit. I suppose it’s somewhat good though because part of my annoyance was in that I was leaning on her. I was forced to go out to a nightclub, the most extroverted of places, and host a bunch of people I’ve never met, in an uncertain environement. What could be more extroverted?

A lot of people wanted to meet up before hand. I was at home and had to decide a place so I went on Google maps and chose the nearest bar: Dr Watson’s bar. I arrived there and 5 minutes later the first attendee arrived. He was an Indian guy in IT. Perhaps around 30. We sat down and talked for a while. I felt that he was kind of pressuring me or expecting me to make it fun or something. Like he was frowning at me as if he was unimpressed. My biggest issue with meetups is that the people seem deadpan and don’t seem to laugh, express or emote much. It’s all very logical, people are in their heads. There’s not much touching or anything. My pet hate is when you say something at audible volume and people just say “what?”, almost because they can’t flow with your energy or something so they need to bring it down a bit. If you’re going to do it that’s fine but don’t do it in a socially awkward way like that. I think doing something like going to a nightclub will make people grow into a better state though. That’s something I sort of want of myself I guess. I tried to do some facial expressions and I monitored how much he lit up in response. Not a whole lot. There were flickers of ascent here and there. Another guy rocked up, he was Indian as well, about the same age. After a few moments I pulled my hand out from under the table, aware that it was small and gaunt looking from my diet. He looked a bit repulsed, shook it and looked at the other guy who like nodded and rolled his eyes. We went to go in and then one of the girls and another guy were there. Tried to go in but I needed cash. The bouncer looked down at my hands and whatever emotion he felt made me extremely self-conscious of my hands. It made me feel as though there were two dog shits on the end of my arms, for the rest of the night, and the way I moved was sort of apologetic about it. “Looks don’t matter” is one of my mantras or affirmations lately but it was hard to feel like there wasn’t something wrong with me with these types of reactions from people. I went to get cash and they were waiting for me when I got back which was nice. We lined up and got in. The hot blonde at the door made me feel ok about my hands when she handed my ID back to me. So did the girl in the group by the way. I tried to take a photo of the upside down horse on the ceiling for instagram but there wasn’t really a good angle to do that.

More and more I’m believing in this angle I’ve seemed to develop. What I don’t like about most meetups is that they lack structure. Most don’t feel like a tribe. On the other hand some do feel like a tribe and there is structure, but the structure is that they do the same thing every week. I honestly think I have the makings of something great. Something with spontaneity and yet with control. The demographic is right. I think it solves a lot of pain-points for people: missing out, not feeling like part of something, not having an interesting life to show off on social media. I’m starting to think I should start enlisting some event hosts. If there are people who actually want to do that I would be thrilled. It’s hard to sort of design the system and be like an outgoing host. There are various levels and I abosolutely will maintain the position of organiser. For life. I think I’ll consider co-organiser to be like partners. This should be people who bring a lot of value. Then I think it’s event organisers. Then it’s event hosts. It seems like there will be like promotional system. There shouldn’t be many people above event hose though. Maybe 3-5 co-organisers, or even just two. And we can do a group chat and if they go dark then I’ll demote them. These should be people who could probably run the whole thing themselves if need be. Probably have qualities which balance out mine. Maybe extraverted feeling. Or like an ESTJ or ENTJ. I think I’d probably avoid INTJ’s because I’m already one of those and I know they would somehow use it to springboard to their own aims. These should be people who are communicative on group chat, take it somewhat seriously. I don’t know why but it pisses me off if I’m supposed to be talking with someone about something and they don’t reply or treat it like it doesn’t matter. This thing may get monetised or expand into who knows what so it should be people that I find it easier to work with. These would be the people who might get equity of course. I like the idea of having one guy and one girl. I think people like this would like to have a lot of creative free-rein. I’m not really sure how to give that to them though beyond organising events. That’s something to think about: why would someone with these qualities, who takes it seriously, want to be co-organiser?

How many event organisers? My instinct is to say no more than 10-12. These people can organise events. Best to give them their space at these events: they can be the alpha. That’s part of the value proposition. I think they should need co-organiser or organiser approval to do events though. Because these people would be in on the strategy of it. No nerdy events which would hurt the image of it for example. I think two things would be required for this: the desire to plan and run events, and possibly to bring more people in.

I think there should be almost unlimited event hosts. Say 100. Their job is to make people feel welcome.

Overall I don’t really like the vibe that this hierarchical structure has. I think this will wear off. If people sense that they’re seen as being on the bottom rung then they simply won’t show up and may likely leave. I suppose the key is to remain consumer-focused.

I got about 15 new members last night. That’s because of some direct messages I sent out and people seeing it on the event calendar no doubt. Events like that make it seem like the warm-end of the pool. And it is, in a sense.

We got in there and I immediately went to go take a crap. Somehow I think that it’s better if I give people space. I got back and they all had drinks. I was feeling very self-conscious about my hands. I felt like they were pretty in their head, not having fun yet. I suggested we go to sit down but then I realised those were booths that you had to purchase. I tried to talk with this Indian guy. He wasn’t smiling at all. I was trying to speak in a free flowing, emotionally satisfying way. I tried to add him on Facebook but he couldn’t be found and he didn’t seem thrilled. I sort of decided that guy was hopeless, it was no point trying to get him in a better state.

I went for frequent walks around the venue. I did a few approaches. My first was coming out of the bathroom. My vocal tonality was very rapport-breaking and perhaps commanding. It was an older woman. Almost tokenistically they walked off.

I went up behind a girl in a group and did the same tonality. This lasted a minute or two. They seemed quite happy to talk to me. It was one of their birthdays. I shouldn’t have told them I was running a meetup.

I approached a group with a hot blonde and a hot Asian. I talked with all of them. I think I lacked any intent. They got bored when I ran out of things to say and left. At least I had quite a bit to say.

I went back to the group at one point and sort of monitored the girl’s reaction to me approaching girls. It wasn’t good. I think I’ll do it less or do it in a different way next time. If I put myself in her shoes it feels a bit insensitive. Maybe I can do it in a more laid-back, cool way. The no-game type game.

I left at about 11.20pm. I hope they had a good time. When I got back I decided to cancel the trip to Geelong and I broke my nofap streak of 30-40 days, depending on how you define it. It’s going to be hard to get back on that horse. Should I do it though? It definitely gives me more drive. I think my judgement is a bit blurred right now. I can feel a buzz in my abdomen. A buzz of dopamine. It was so good. I don’t think it would be that good again though.

I feel like there’s not much options for me to eat and fill up on with this low-carb diet. I feel almost sick from all the olive-oil I’ve been having. Maybe I can make a big salad or something. I should start eating eggs often. Maybe Youfoodz has some options without starchy foods. The biggest problem I have is that I think having that modest amount of fat throughout my body was making my hands seem bigger. Now they seem tiny and bony, like they did when I was a teenager. It’s a difficult thing getting by with small hands. How good it would be if they thickened up as I aged.

Overall last night I felt a bit ungrounded. I felt uninhibited because of my authority perhaps. That’s good. Good reference experience to have in Melbourne. I think I was like a bit overstimulated or something though. It would be so good if there was an event host to look after people and I could just focus on having a good time. I feel like a good rule of thumb would be 2/3 men in organiser positions, 2/3 women in host positions. Interesting how there seems to be very distinct duties emerging. There’s founding it. There’s sort of organising it at a high level, designing the systems etc. There’s organising it at an event level. And there’s hosting it. I could stand to improve hosting it. I think good hosting is about presence and emotions. It’s hard to do that and sort of organise things in a dynamic environment, when it’s not something you’ve done before.

At this point I think the ball is rolling. The Instagram account is taking shape nicely. The Facebook group is having some engagement, people are responding and suggesting. I love it when they suggest. White night this coming weekend. I have a method of marketing which seems to be reasonably effective. It seems like all these various things I built have gotten some of that most crucial element: engagement. People joining, engaging and attending is the lifeblood of what this is. I feel that what this is is a new stage though. It’s not quite mature yet. It’s left its infancy though, whatever that first stage is called. That took about 135 days. No, perhaps the first stage is inception. Then it’s like no one is supporting it, it’s wonky, fledgling, it takes creativity and work. Then there’s a point where you get some support and it starts to shine just a little bit. I wonder what it would look like in it’s maturity. That is a vision I feel passionate about. I wonder what it looks like after maturity, all organisations must end sometime mustn’t they? Well, it’s just a hobby project so hopefully I can move to something even more compelling when it does. I have no doubt though that this will be a big thing in my life. At this second though, I feel kind of unmotivated to actually go out and organise/host. That’s something that organisers/co-organisers need then: a lot of drive. I suppose that’s the answer right there then: I should continue nofap. I feel a strong desire to resume it in a few days though, to be perfectly honest. A cheat weekend?

I’ve been getting frustrated by my apparent lack of progress with handstands. The prospect of not being able to do handstands because of my anatomy makes me feel incredibly small. I will continue though and hopefully have a breakthrough. I’m still at the level of not really being able to float upright from the wall for very long, and very occasionally I can do it for maybe 10 seconds. It’s been like that for weeks. I’ve noticed a tiny-bit of progress with L-sits. It’s actually in the legs where I feel the burn at the moment, up the top of the thigh.

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